before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
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