Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
