the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize