the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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