I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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