shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
