My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize