things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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