dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
