There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
