Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
