I didn't shave. On purpose
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
