am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
