Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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