Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
