You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
