jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
