Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
