Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
