Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
