Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
