my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
