the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
