my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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