I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I looked at my own cervix.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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