Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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