Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
