She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I enjoy the company of your penis
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
