the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
