if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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