last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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