The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
