I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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