worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
