Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize