i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
