me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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