my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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