At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
