I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
