I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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