Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
