What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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