I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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