We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
