Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
