just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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