I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
