I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
