I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
