david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
do nipples grow back?
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