i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
