her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
organizing the empties. That sober.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
