how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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