I cannot find my penis.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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