Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
