i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
