I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
