U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
